


Switch Points

by flirtmcgirt



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love, S3 AU, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4981297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flirtmcgirt/pseuds/flirtmcgirt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s the summer of 1998, and Rae and Finn are struggling to determine their futures. (This fic uses elements from the televised Series 3, but is an AU.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He relives it constantly. Eyes boring into his through the glass. Her palm pressed outward towards him in regret, in farewell. Somehow Finn knows her thoughts: she’s cursing her hastiness, imagining him tucked in alongside her.

The dream always ends the same way. He takes a flying leap off the platform, trying to get to her window. Searching desperately for something, anything to grab onto as he hurtles through the air to the train. But it’s no use. His body slides helplessly along the slick surface. There’s only time to trace one jagged letter Finn prays she can see, before everything goes black. _Left behind, left behind_ …

He awoke with a start. _Fucking trains._ He should’ve known that old standby would come back to haunt him today. And people wondered why he preferred staying close to home. Of course the blurry figure on the train was his mum. Who else could it be? You didn’t need a Psychology A-level or one of Chloe’s stupid dream journals she was always bringing to the pub to figure that shite out.

Not that it had even happened that way. No train, and Finn hadn’t gone to see her off. More like he got a flustered phone call from somewhere en route to the airport until the pips started going. Couldn’t even spare a few more pence for her only son.

“Finn. FINN!” A growl broke him out of his malaise. “We’re going to be late. I knew it. You can’t even get to the sodding Swan on time, let alone Bristol.” Rae folded her arms with a huff, slumping back against her seat, while Finn merely chuckled to himself.

It was what he loved most about her. All Rae’s impulses were right there on the surface, despite her best efforts. He imagined them as something like the screensavers in college computer lab: shapes bending, arcing and colliding into something that only appeared to be chaos. He knew how beautiful her emotional patterns really were. Finn had made the mistake of telling her so once.

“You mystify my mind, Finn Nelson. I swear,” Rae snorted. “Have you been dropping acid with Barney and Little Al at Rutlands again?” So much for that analogy.

Finn turned his attention back to the seething Rae. “I know you wanted Linda to take you instead,” he said with a smirk. “Imagine the bonding opportunities you’re missing. ‘Oh Rae, let’s get matching sweatshirts! Rae, the dining hall’s open. Let’s have the authentic experience, eh? I think I’ll become a mature student, Rae – how about being roommates?’ ”

“Ha!” Rae chortled. “The only thing she’s interested in studying are the properties of Karim’s arse. She can’t wait to get their old room back. Hell, the day she turned it over to me she’s babbling on about uni. ‘You’ll be at uni eventually. Won’t ya? Eh, won’t ya?’ She’s been marking the days off ever since.”

“Well, good thing we proper broke it in, then, yeah?” Finn purred. “Besides, like mother, like daughter.”

“Ugh, Finn!” Rae groused. But he could feel her grinning against his chest as she snuggled into him, and he knew they were both thinking about this morning. He’d awoken and not seen Rae.

_Shit, shit, are we late?! Why didn’t she wake me? I can’t wreck her chance!_ Then he’d felt it. Teeth ghosting lightly over one arse cheek. He could swear he’d heard her moan “Finally,” but the vibrations her lips had made stopped him from giving a toss what she’d said. So technically, it may have been his fault they’d missed their original train, but so what? He could feel the memory helping to ease the anxiety out of her, and that was worth it to him.

“Alright, I need to hit the ground running. Well, maybe jogging,” Rae said. “We’re getting close. Meet me at the union in an hour?” He nodded.

Before Finn knew it, the train had stopped. “Right, I’m off, then,” Rae declared, smacking her palm flat against a train window for emphasis. Finn suddenly shivered involuntarily. The hell was that for? he wondered. Shrugging, he leaned in for a quick smooch before heading the opposite direction from Rae. He’d heard Bristol had some mint record shops, and he intended to find a few.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t very long before Finn hit paydirt. Walking in, he gave a low whistle of appreciation. The store was easily twice the size of Town Records, and even a cursory glance around showed that it was far better stocked. _Too bad I only have an hour_ , Finn thought, scrunching his face at the thought of how many quality records he wouldn’t get to lay hands on that day. He could spend that whole time just in their import section! 

_You can always come back once Rae’s here. If Rae’s here_. And there it was. Another of the ugly thoughts that bubbled up from his subconscious more and more lately. _You’re a right bastard, Finn Nelson_. 

She would be at Bristol, Finn knew that. They would be fools not to take her. But it was the ‘take her’ aspect he was having trouble with. Taken from Stamford, from their regular pub table, from him. That’s what it really boiled down to, wasn’t it? Away from his arms, his bed, his car. Everywhere that mattered to him meant Rae now. _Selfish little shit_ , he scoffed. 

Rae needed uni, she was so smart. She’d been in the habit lately of bringing her textbooks over to his, partly to throw Finn’s dad off the trail, and mostly so she could truthfully tell her mum she’d been studying. Rae was a shit liar, always had been. Was there anyone with less of a poker face than Rae Earl? Finn wondered with a grin. 

So Finn knew firsthand how much she genuinely enjoyed learning. Sprawled in his bed in a post coital haze, he’d listen to Rae prattle on about Shakespeare or Euripedes. He’d watch her as she read, grinning or widening those beautiful eyes, or worrying her bottom lip. Was it so wrong that the only thing Finn wanted to study was Rae? 

The truth was, he already knew what life was without Rae. Gray, lifeless, stifling sobs in the middle of the night. Finn would never be able to tell anyone how bad Leeds had truly been. But it was nothing compared to the thoughts that had been invading lately: who was he without Rae? He was starting to realize he didn’t have a clue, and was terrified to find out. 

Life wasn’t anything like Finn had wanted it to be. How was he supposed to become the king of no crap fm when he couldn’t even manage a no crap existence? Everything was mired in disappointment: ‘the customer is always right’, grease caked beneath his nails that refused to come clean, having to listen to Chop’s shit jokes 8 hours a day now, his dad becoming more and more short tempered over Finns lack of ambition. 

But how to fix it? Finn was shit at everything and he knew it. Shit at maths, shit at arts, even shit at making conversation. Just the thought of an interview, and having to present his CV made him feel sick. That’s why he needed Rae. He knew what to do there. Finn could make her laugh, soothe her, he actually felt confident during their music debates. Rae was all he was good at, really. 

Finn struggled with that knowledge. Sometimes he couldn’t stand himself. He wasn’t possessive of her, was he? No, that was for wankers who called 10 times a day to ‘check in’ or picked out their girls’ outfits because they were insecure. He wasn’t insecure, was he? No, he’d never want that kind of life for Rae. Finn had fallen in love with her strength, her straight shooting opinionated personality. Rae caved to no one, and Finn liked it that way. 

He just had to get over himself. That was that. He couldn’t hold her back. _You love a brilliant woman, you love her because she’s brilliant, and you’re going to help her become even more brilliant by letting her have this opportunity_. Finn knew that was the right thing to do. So why did he feel like bashing his head into the shop wall and screaming? 

_Oh, fuck this_ , Finn thought, forcefully clenching his teeth. He had to get out of there, it was suffocating him. They probably thought he was casing the place at this point anyway. Stepping into the union, Finn saw a figure facing away from him. 

Rae was slumped over a table. One hand was restlessly winding locks of hair around fingers, while the other repetitively lifted chips from a basket before violently tossing them back. 

_Oh shit_. Finn grimaced. 

_No, no no. Not my sweet, smart girl_. 

_Well. maybe she’ll stay yours now_. 

Finn hated himself more than he ever had before in that moment. Squaring his shoulders, he shoved it to the back of his mind as he headed for Rae. He had a heartbroken girl to comfort.


	3. Chapter 3

Five minutes. Probably less. Hardly enough time for a smoke or a walk to the corner store. But it had been plenty of time to decimate Rae’s goals. Rae snorted in disgust. It was no surprise, really. Every life-changing moment that happened to her seemed to rush in without warning. Months - no, years - of loathing punctuated by harm she hadn’t even known she was planning until the blade was in her hand. The unleashed torrent of words her brain was kind enough to call a reception speech still made her cringe. Even if it had led to the most life changing thing of all.  _Speaking of_ , Rae thought as she felt a kiss atop her head.

Finn dropped into the chair across from her, saying nothing. He merely extended a palm across the table in comfort, plucking a chip from the basket with his other hand.  _He knows. Of course he knows._ As often as he liked to show her his “wha?” face, Finn could be pretty perceptive about the big stuff. At least he wasn’t pressuring her to talk. He never did. Which is more than she could say for that table of arseholes she’d just left. Rae knew things were Code Red bad when she was letting Finn devour the chips. She loved him and all, but food was her most enduring comfort.

“It was utter shit. Condescending. I can’t even talk about it,” Rae mumbled. Finn nodded, stroking her hand, and it was as if his acceptance caused her emotional floodgates to burst open.

“It was nothing like they try to tell you at college. It was like a quiz! Everybody says they want to know how well-rounded you are, what can Rachel Earl bring to the table, all of that. They never even asked about me! They wanted to know about Hamlet.”  Rae rolled her eyes.

“Hamlet?” Finn furrowed his brow. “Why? I mean, what’s the point?”

“Exactly. It was like they had some kind of checklist I had to follow. Who cares about my reading list? I’m sure to get enough of one once I start, aren’t I? And  _then_ they insulted my A-level choices! Looking down their noses at me.” Finn winced. Woe to anyone who dared to act disdainful towards Rae.

“So what did you do?” Finn asked, slight tremble in his voice suggesting he was nervous to find out.

“I told them I had a  _life_. One of those things I’m supposed to develop at Bristol, innit?  I’ve already got a life full of responsibilities and mates and troubles to get through. And then I walked out. So, guess I saved myself some time chasing after what I’ve already got, yeah?”

Finn shrugged. “S’pose so. Do you feel good about what you told them?”

“Yes!”  _No._ “I can’t be anything but myself. I don’t want to go anywhere I don’t feel comfortable.  _Like I feel comfortable anywhere_. I wanted to be truthful and cut through all the bullshit. It’s why people like me. It’s why  _you_ like me.”

“Aye,” Finn said. “But I’m not exactly Bristol material.”

“Neither am I,” Rae whispered, hunching over the table. Before Finn could protest, Rae suddenly bounded upright, widening her eyes.

“I can’t believe it! I forgot to tell you the worst part. Absolute stupidest.” Rae settled back into her chair, mouth quirking up into her first smirk of the day – a record for Rae. “Ok, so I’m sitting waiting for you, right? And guess who comes walking by? Do you remember Katie Springer? She was in your year.”

Finn thought for a minute. “Oh right. She was in Mr. Timms’ course with me. Right weird. Always staring at summat. Didn’t even care if you caught her at it, she’d bore right into ya. Look dead on.”

“That’s her, yup. So, she actually came over.” Rae giggled. “Finn, I’m terrible. She was dead nice to me.”

Finn grinned hugely. “Did she undress ya with those crazy eyes?”

“Finn,  _stop_!” Rae paused. “But you know, now that you said it…” Rae exploded into laughter, having to lay her forehead on the table and collect herself before continuing. “No, she really was nice and all. Told me how much she loves it here. Which is exactly the problem.  Katie Springer is like…tapioca pudding.”

“Oi, Rae! Come on!” Finn protested.

“Well, it’s true. She’s so bland. What kind of uni sees the value in her and not me? And what if they’re all like her? I am  _not_ spending the next three years with a bunch of frog spawn!”

Finn sniggered, but his eyes grew dark and serious. “So, what’s your next move, Rae?”

“A spliff or two, maybe the Ian Brown record. You. Love me. Make me forget about this fucking place.”

Finn fixed her with a gaze of – oh god, was that pity? Please no. Not from him.

“Rae, I think I’m up to the challenge,” he murmured tenderly. “But I meant long-term.”

Rae’s lower lip began to wobble. “So did I,” she gasped out, crack in her voice betraying her. The bravado façade was gone, and Rae squeezed her eyes shut in distress.

“Oh, Rae.” She felt Finn’s arms close around her. “You’ll get it sorted. Peterborough would love to have you.”

Rae grimaced inside the cocoon of his arms. How could she explain why she didn’t want to stay local? She’d see the same old people, probably Stacey and Simmy, even.  _There’s probably new Staceys and Simmys everywhere I go, though_. True, but those ones wouldn’t know her past. Rae could reinvent herself. Wasn’t that what she’d been doing this whole time in therapy, sort of? Improving and reassembling herself? _I’m loving the new Rae_. Uni was supposed to be the culmination of all that. But how would it work if all the old baggage was still in town with her?

“Yeah, I guess. I dunno.” It was all Rae could bring herself to express.

“They would.” Finn replied firmly. “And English is English everywhere. Books don’t change. That’s what you want, right?”

There it was. The million quid question.  _What do I want_? English seemed like a good enough option. She enjoyed it, could get lost in a book for hours. And teachers had always told her that she was an excellent storyteller. Writing in her diary was a real pleasure. So an English course seemed like the logical next step. _Behaviour is not chaotic_. Kester had told her that once. Logic was the right track, then.

But the truth was, Rae had no clue what she wanted. She knew a lot about what she  _didn’t_ want, though. She didn’t want the aching knees and undereye bags the hospital had given her mum. She didn’t want to be Mrs. Dewhurst, still in council house and barely surviving at old age. She didn’t want five kids and no opportunities by the time she was 25. Rae knew uni was her ticket out. She’d just have to figure out the destination printed on it another time. Frankly, she was about sick of mulling over the whole mess.

“Finn, I’m tired and me head is banging.”

“Alright, girl.” Finn suddenly walked behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “I wanna try something first, though.  My dad’s always going to those business seminars, right?” Rae nodded warily. “So the other night, he’s telling me about some ‘Visualize Your Destiny’ thing, right? You clear your mind, and think about what makes you happiest. What pops in is supposed to be what you try to turn into a living. Fancy trying it?”

Rae thought it sounded like bullshit, but she never denied him. She took a deep breath and waited.

“Well?”

“It was you, Finn.”

“Oh, come off it! I was being serious! I’m not a job!”

Rae cackled, jabbing him with her elbow. “You sure about that? Being your girl is a right hard job sometimes!” She turned serious. “I really did picture you, though.” She had. Finn kissing her thighs, protectively walking her home at night, helping Karim with the birdcages, fixing her with a sleepy grin when she’d droned on too long about college. But what the hell could she do with  _that_?

Suddenly Rae felt Finn’s stare. How long had he been looking at her? Rae got the sense he had been for a while, a soft smile on his face that seemed oddly private. His eyes shone with affection and something else that Rae couldn’t place. That was new. Finn’s emotions often showed in his gaze, and Rae had become excellent at deciphering it.  _Not this time. Hm._

He slung his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s get outta here, girl. I’ll make you tea. Won’t send you out for red cabbage, though.” Finn winked and Rae shook her head in mock indignation as they headed through the double doors into the great unknown.


	4. Chapter 4

It clicked for Finn before Rae had even opened her eyes there in the union. Her response only spurred him on. His future was  _her_. He’d wash, she’d dry, with the radio blaring through the kitchen. Sleeping in on Saturdays, then a trip to the market and Town Records. Maybe they’d get a puppy. The little details weren’t important now. He just knew he couldn’t be without her again.

 _It really does make sense, though_ , Finn reasoned. He would have dealt with it if Rae’d gotten into Bristol.  _Oh yeah? How?_  nagged Finn’s inner voice. He scowled. Did it really matter? If she’d been truthful about her interview (and she had; there was no way to fake that fire blazing from her eyes), Rae would be staying close by.

Finn knew living with Linda was wearing thin. Rae hardly got any sleep these days, thanks to the baby.  _Ok, maybe that’s not the only reason_ , he thought with a smirk. Linda’s preoccupation with other matters sure did make it easier to sneak in and out of Rae’s bedroom overnight. He quickly learned they weren’t the only ones who liked to blow off steam at night.

“ _Finn, they’re disgusting. For shit’s sake. And she wants to know why the baby’s always crying. Oh god!_ ” She turned to him, horrorstruck. “ _What if they make another one? No. No. I can’t even- no_.”

Finn just laughed. “ _What are you gonna do? Shame ‘em? I guess we could drown them out? A little healthy competition._ ” Rae had looked at him as if he were dog shit on her favorite trainers. Yup, humor was in short supply at the Earl/Bouchtat house.

Rae’s stress was only part of it. She was clearly eager to start her adult life. She’d never progress under Linda’s thumb. That was obvious to Finn, but he worried she needed support. He’d seen how she could flounder.  _I’ll be there for her for as long as she lets me_. His dad was always going on about Finn finding his passion. What could set his heart ablaze any more than Rae? Finn’s cheeks glowed red with excitement and anticipation.  _Definitely the right decision_. _Definitely._

Three weeks later, that initial fire of happiness seemed like a distant memory. Finn trudged up the stairs to yet another flat he already knew wouldn’t be right. Swinging the door open, he immediately groaned inwardly. Black mold, plain as day. Finn would never bring Rae to a place like this. He was starting to wonder where he  _could_ bring her. He knew his budget was meager, but this was getting ridiculous. Places with no heat, one where the floor was tilted to the point of making him feel seasick, water damage. At one flat, the last tenant had apparently absconded with the toilet. There had to be a solution.

Hours later, Finn sat at his kitchen table. If there was a solution, it certainly was taking its time revealing itself. He was a bloody mess in more ways than one. His nails already chewed to stubs, Finn had attacked his cuticles, and actually left a few tooth marks on fingers. That was the big leagues, reserved for when things proper went to shit. So why was he doing it? He loved Rae. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Was it?

 _Chop said there’s a few custom jobs coming in this month._ Finn grabbed a notepad and began to scribble. _Kendo owes me 100 for helping him move bags at that business school party (never ever tell Rae where that money came from). Mr. Peters down the street always wants help painting houses_. Finn worked his lip between his teeth.  _That should do it. This could actually work._

The sudden slam of the front door startled him. Mr. Nelson came in toting groceries.

“You look hard at work for once, my boy.” Finn frowned.  _Such a twat_.  _Why’s he always got to be dead rude_?

“Y’alright Finn? You’re looking right stressed, actually.”

“S’nothing,” Finn mumbled.

“Oh, yeah?” Mr. Nelson snatched the pad off the table. “You take me for a fool. Never do that. So what’s this, then?”

“It’s a budget,” Finn said. “I’m thinking of moving out. Figuring out some work to piece together.”

His dad stared at him in disbelief, before letting out a hearty chuckle. “Oh, Finn. Finn. This is not a budget. How much money you have in the bank is not a budget. A budget is food, and the light bill. Shampoo, razors. A bunch of stupid little stuff.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll get it all sorted,” Finn snapped. His dad didn’t have to laugh at him. Other people fucking figured this stuff out all the time. He and Rae would too.

“What about a roommate?” Mr. Nelson inquired. “Might take a little heat off ya.”

“Well, Rae’s gonna be pretty busy with uni. I’m not sure how much she can contribute.”

His dad’s eyebrows shot up. “You’re thinking of moving to Bristol, then?”

“Nah,” Finn replied. “Rae made a right mess of her interview. Probably going to Peterborough.”

“Shame,” Mr. Nelson said. “Bright girl. Must’ve let her nerves get the upper hand. But what do you mean by ‘probably’?”

“I just assumed…I mean-“

“So Rae hasn’t actually told you about her plans yet? Does she even know about the flat?”

“No, but.” Finn groaned. He knew he’d never be able to explain it right. “I’m pretty sure I know what she’s thinking, and she’s dead sick of her mum making all her decisions.”

“I see.” A note of challenge crept into Mr. Nelson’s voice. “So now you’ll be making them for her.”

 _WHAT?!_ Finn gawped at his father.  _How dare he!_  Finn could feel his ears flaming red and white-knuckled the sides of the chair to keep from getting up and raising holy hell.

“Oh relax. Don’t give me that look. I’m only trying to help you both. You know I care about Rae. It’s a big decision. She deserves to figure out what path she wants to take. Cause right now, this idea sounds like  _your_ flat, living off  _your_  money, and it makes  _you_ happy.”

Finn gave Mr. Nelson nothing but a bewildered stare, so he continued. “Speaking of money, Finn, your calculations here are alright for the first month. What about next month? Do you really want to spend all your time bouncing from gig to gig? How well can either of you do, always worrying about being skint? Rae’s uni will suffer, you know.”

At the mention of Rae’s name, the wave of rage that had been building in Finn’s mind suddenly broke.

“You don’t know SHIT!” Finn nearly shrieked, tears already beginning to form. “I would never let her suffer. I can take care of her – we always look after each other! I love her.”

“I know you do, son,” Mr. Nelson murmured soothingly. “Caring for someone emotionally can be a lot different from caring for them physically and financially. That’s all I’m trying to impress.”

“Ah, fuck you,” Finn spat. Any pretense of self-control was long gone, and the famous Finn Nelson temper was on full display. “When’s the last time anyone loved  _you_? And where’d she fuck off to? No, seriously. Where? Cause I haven’t known for years.”

Finn hadn’t loosened his grip on the chair, but his dad flinched as if he’d been struck all the same. “Out,” and the ice in his tone went straight to Finn’s stomach. He’d gone way too far, and had no idea how to walk it back.

“Dad, I..”

“I told you. Get. OUT. Now.”

Finn managed to hold back the flood of tears until the front door slammed shut. How had everything gone to shit so quickly? He’d been so certain a flat was the right move, but his dad was so vehemently against it. He had to get to Rae. They’d figure things out together, like always.

Rae’s face fell when she opened the door. “Sweetie, what’s happened?”  _God, I really must look like hell_ , Finn thought. Rae rarely used pet names. She grabbed both his hands to soothe him. “Oh my god, Finn! Your hands!” He’d completely forgotten the state they were in, wincing as she dragged him inside.

Finn smiled lovingly as Rae washed and disinfected his hands. No one who saw the brash Rae at the pub would ever guess her capacity for gentleness in a million years. This was what he wanted from the flat. More of these domestic moments, helping each other get through life and patching up what was broken.

“Rae, I really wanna talk to you,” Finn began as they walked into her bedroom. “What’s this?” An envelope was lying on her bed.

“It’s Bristol. I haven’t been able to open it.” Rae sighed.

“D’ya want to be alone?” Finn’s voice shook.

“No. It’s good you’re here. I need the support. We already know what it says anyway.”

“Well, let’s see.” Finn handed Rae the envelope. “Count of three?” Rae nodded. “One…two..three.”

The tearing of the envelope sounded deafening to Finn. “Dear Miss Earl,” Rae began. “We regret to inform you…that we are a bunch of wankers.” Rae tossed the envelope over her shoulder, where it landed pinned between the wall and the bed.

Finn enveloped her in a hug. “They didn’t know what they had, Rae.” He wondered if she could hear his heart pounding. The last obstacle to his plan was gone. It was now or never.

Rae smiled bravely. “No, I guess they didn’t know. But it’s all right. Honestly. Wasn’t the right fit. My mum will be so disappointed, though. Now what about you?”

Finn took a deep breath and clasped his hands in hers. “Rae, you know how much I love you, right?”

Rae’s eyes widened and started darting round. “Yeah. You tell me all the time. I love you too. But you’re freaking me out. You sound like the  _Jerry Springer_  show. They all say that. Right before you find out they’ve been cheating with your cousin, the mailman, and a farm animal.”

Finn snorted. “Nothin’ like that girl. I swear. But well, I’ve got a bit to say, and I’m right nervous. So just hear me out to the end, ok?” She nodded.

“So, I love ya, and you know that. And our future’s coming up quick. Any time I picture my future, you’re in it. That’s just fact. So I was thinking. I know you want your independence. I do too. I thought maybe we could work on that together? I’m getting a flat. Well, I’m still looking for one, but I thought we could do that together, too? It could be our flat, you and me. If you wanted? I love you, Rae. I really love you so much, and I want you around all the time.”

Finn expelled what felt like all the air his lungs had ever held in his lifetime. There. It was out. Meanwhile, Rae was frozen, rooted to the spot.

_He wants to be with me! Like, really be with me, in our own place. Long term. Maybe even forever? Oh my god! He’s not in any hurry, is he? He’d better not be planning on getting me up the duff. No freaking way. Although maybe one day- oh Jesus. Stop thinking about dumb stuff he hasn’t even mentioned. What about money? I haven’t got any money. And it’s Stamford. I don’t hate Stamford, but…I always wondered about more. But what is “more,” even? It’s like this undefinable thing. Christ, I’m losing the plot!_

Finn and Rae just stared at each other, and déjà vu hit Rae. She’d sat in this same spot before, unable to speak.

_Say something, Rae! He’s waiting!_

“Oh, shit. I’ve gotta go.”  _Yup. Just like before_. Only this time, it was Rae with the sheen of tears in her eyes, and she never paused to glance at Finn before she took the stairs two at a time, stumbling blindly out her own door.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Yet again, Rachel Earl was running. She got the feeling that she was also about to run into something that would turn out to be an utter disaster again. No, that had already happened. The emotional wreckage she’d undoubtedly left in her bedroom was proof.

Lungs burning, Rae came to a stop, leaning against a tree. Her heart felt like it was being torn out through her nose, and she didn’t know if it was Finn or the run causing the pain.  _Neither. It’s me. Stupid me. I always cock things up_.  _I’m like King Midas’ doomed sister or something – everything I touch turns to shit_.

Wiping tears away with the back of her hand, Rae looked back towards her house.  _Where am I going_?  _What am I even doing_?  _Talk about a metaphor for my entire life_. She couldn’t believe she’d left Finn there. It could almost be funny under different circumstances, her fleeing her own house. But what she’d done had no room for humor at all.

 _Again. I can’t believe I did it again. I think I’m unsure of myself when he doesn’t have anything to say, but whenever he actually opens up_ ,  _I have a proper freakout_.  _Great_. Did she love Finn, then?  _Yes_. The answer came with zero hesitation. Just thinking of being without him again made her want to scream, smash the windows of nearby cars, spew sick out into the street. He was one of the only sources of unconditional love Rae felt she had.

 _What if this is it, though_? Maybe this was what was destined to test Finn’s limits, and it had been lurking all along, biding its time. Rae pictured some horrible, drooling monster, grown fat off all of her fears and swallowed words. Hiding behind a tree in the park for that first hug. Face pressed against the glass of the chippy, when they were too enthralled with each other to notice. Tucked beneath her bed for that initial glorious unzipping of her jeans. Had they been doomed the whole time?

 _NO. I can’t believe that. This has to stop_. How could she explain? It wasn’t the idea of being with Finn in a flat that scared her. Ok, it was, a little. But the real problem was all the responsibilities. Budgeting, cooking, repairs. She didn’t even know how to drive! Then what if she had a setback? Finn was always supportive; he knew about the clicking thing with her tongue Rae occasionally had to do before falling asleep. But having to flick all the lights in their flat would be absolutely humiliating.

Not to mention that when she tried to picture their lives together, Rae only came up empty. Sure, she could picture the easy stuff. Sipping tea in bed together, maybe she’d have some plants. Mingling their record collections. But when she got ready in the mornings, what was she preparing for? What would be the things she’d rush home to tell him? What would they fight about? When the routines of college and chores and footy and the pub were all gone, what was next?

 _I’m just not ready, not for any of it_. How to tell Finn, though? How could she find the words to make him understand that just because she was rejecting the flat, that didn’t mean she was rejecting him? Rae turned to walk home. She’d find a way. She had to be brave.

 _Be strong, be strong, be strong, be str-_ Rae screeched to a halt. Through the front window, she could see her mum sitting with…was that Finn?  _What the hell_?!  _Oh, no_. Finn was sprawled across Linda’s lap, shoulders heaving with sobs. Suddenly Linda looked out, catching Rae’s gaze. She flicked her hand outwards.  _Shoo_. Rae only stared in consternation. Those two barely even spoke, and now, when Rae finally had gathered up the guts for a real talk, Finn sought comfort in her  _mum_?

Linda shooed her away again with a glare.  _Fine_. Rae could be patient.  _Mum’s angry with me, Finn’s angry-ah, hell. I’ve got Kester in an hour. Bet I can do a right good job of pissing him off too_.

Rae headed for the library. Might as well pour everything intorevision. She only had her sociology A-level left. A-levels were actually about the only thing that had been going right lately. Rae supposed some of their importance had lessened now that she was staying local, but she actually enjoyed revision. Exams had structure and clear expectations.  _More than I can say for the rest of my life_ , Rae thought dejectedly.

Reading worked its usual magic on Rae, and too soon it was time to head to the hospital. She wasn’t looking forward to spilling her guts about everything to Kester, but she would. He had a knack for it.

“Afternoon, Rae,” Kester said as he lit his millionth cigarette of the day. “How’s things?”

She shrugged. “Pretty shit.”  _God, all he said was hello, and I’m ready to confess my whole life. Must be a record_. “There’s a lot going on.” Rae walked Kester through everything: the interview, Peterborough, Finn’s offer.

Kester studied her a moment. “Rae, why are you going to uni?” Rae raised her eyebrows and said nothing. Nibbling the inside of her cheek, she appeared lost in thought. “Rae.” Kester’s voice nudged her back to attention. “Just tell me whatever comes to mind. I didn’t ask you to prepare me a speech, or stall until you come up with something you don’t mean that sounds good.”

Rae looked down at her feet, shrugging. “Because…I don’t want to work at Town forever. Because my mum expects it. None of us have ever gone. Because I don’t know what else to do with myself. Because…I’m scared.”

“It’s all right to be scared, Rae. We’ve talked about this before.” Kester gave her a gentle smile. “But none of those reasons sound strong enough to hang the next three years of your life on.”

“I know, but…” Rae sighed, balling up her fists. “It’s what you do when you’re scared, right? This time I  _really_ don’t know what to do.”

Kester folded his arms. “Who’s got the stopwatch running?”

“Huh?”

“Rae, let me tell you a story. When I was 18, I was living in Wales, working as a supermarket stockboy. No uni prospects, and that was fine by me. All I cared about was getting another date with this girl I was crazy about. No ambition. At 20? Still there. Same girl, same town.”

Rae smirked. “Sounds like shit.”

Kester laughed. “It wasn’t really. Was the right fit at the time. I had to figure myself out at my own pace. My pace turned out to be pretty slow. Took me about 25 years to figure out chucking that girl was the right idea.”

Rae unsuccessfully tried to suppress a giggle. “She still have your car, then?”

“Aye,” Kester replied solemnly, but the twinkle in his eye betrayed him.

“Point is, it’s different for everybody. But I like to think I settled into something good, Rae. You will too. When it’s right.”

Rae nodded. “I hear you. It’s just that I feel so much pressure. Like I’m the only one who doesn’t have the answer. Like Chloe. She’s so on top of things. Dressed all professional, got this Filofax and everything. Totally ready to conquer.”

“Maybe that’s her Chloe armor,” Kester suggested. Rae stared at him blankly. “The end of college is a big change for everyone, Rae. Maybe Chloe has her own way of feeling powerful and prepared.” He continued. “Actually, let’s talk about Chloe for a minute. How many times have you sat in that chair and compared yourself to Chloe, hm?” Rae’s reddening cheeks did the talking for her.

“How many times has it been productive? How many times has feeling inferior bettered your life?” Rae flushed even deeper, a guilty look in her eyes. “You can’t base your choices on anything but yourself. Your future is yours, Rae. Not your mum’s, not Finn’s, not Stacey popping up from behind a corner at Peterborough.”

Rae cleared her throat. “Do..do you think I’m strong enough?”

“ _Yes_.” Kester’s voice held not a trace of doubt. “You’ve put in so much work, Rae. You  _are_  better. Life holds challenges like this for everyone. Why do you think every bookstore has a whole mess of self-help books? They can’t all be selling to mad people, can they?”

“Guess not,” Rae admitted.

“Wherever you go, I’d like you to continue therapy. There’s still some areas I’d like to strengthen. They’re pretty solid right now, but I’d like to see you build on some things. Like going to the leisure center. Maintenance work.”

Rae chortled. “Ugh, fuck the leisure center.”

“Normally, I’d agree,” Kester said with a grin. “But not when it comes to working on your brain.”

Rae’s face suddenly lost its animation. “Kester? How will I know when I’ve found it? The ‘more’ I keep looking for?”

Kester took her hand in his to steady Rae’s trembling fingers. “I can’t tell you, Rae. It’s not mine to find, remember?”

Rae wiped her tears away for the millionth time that day as she left the hospital.  _That’s Kester for you. Drops a whole mess of pearls of wisdom in your lap, and then forces you to thread the damn jewelry alone. He really did help, though._

She felt utterly drained.  _Straight to bed_ , Rae thought as she turned her front doorknob. Or not. Her mum was waiting with her patented ‘Rachel Earl, we need to talk’ look on her face.

“Sit down, Rae.” Rae did, but her eyes nervously scanned as much of the house as she could.

“I sent him to the cinema with Archie. We’ve got a couple hours.”

“What do you mean,  _you_ sent him?” This day kept getting weirder and weirder.

“He’s staying here for now, Rae. He’s on the outs with Gary, and lord knows I owe that man one. About time I return the favor.”  _Weird train, keeps chugging right along_.

“Yeah, well, I’m on the outs with Finn, so.” Rae ducked her head to pick at her sleeve.

“Oh, I know. I learned quite a lot today. But he’s staying here. You know, this is a good maturity lesson, Rae. You think if you and Finn live together, you won’t have rows? You going to force him to leave because you can’t handle it? Doesn’t even have to be Finn. Same with your uni roommate. That’s life when you grow up.”

Rae  _hated_ it when her mum was right. She really was too exhausted for whatever lecture this was about to turn into, though.

“Mum, I’m so tired. Really. The fight and everything, it was a lot. I talked things over with Kester, and that was a lot too. I just…”

“Alright, Rae.  But we  _will_ talk while Finn’s at work tomorrow. End of.” Rae was shocked when Linda pulled her in for a hug.

Rae flopped down onto the bed.  _I should wait up for Finn. Maybe he’s calmed some, too._ Staring at the wall, she suddenly thought of her childhood.  _God, I used to lay in bed for hours, dreaming of what I wanted to be_. _Now that it’s important, I’m blanking._

Before Rae could calculate the current economic viability of fairy princesses or ballet dancing, sleep overtook her. Finn would have to wait. So would the brochure Rae had snagged off the bulletin board in Kester’s office on her way out.


	6. Chapter 6

It was happening again. Normally at this point in the dream, he felt panicked as he tumbled towards the train. Not this time. Everything had a sense of weariness and resignation. Finn’s hands skidded uselessly along the train’s windows, as they had 100 times before. It’s then that the dream shifted.

He’s cleared the fog from a window on his way down, and come face-to-face with her.  _Mum! Will she know me? I have to try. Mum, it’s me! Finn! I love you! Where are you going?_ But as he opened his mouth to scream, he realized:  _it’s not her_.

“Rae!  _Rae_!” She never even turned her head, stoically focused on something Finn knew he’d never see as familiar darkness loomed beneath him. A wail startled Finn awake, and for a moment he thinks it’s coming from him.  _Jazz._ Linda had been nice enough to put him in their room the night before. It wasn’t so bad; she was a pretty good baby.  _Lot calmer than your sister_ , Finn thought gloomily. He rolled back over with a sigh.  

“I love you, but where are we going?” he mumbled grimly before smashing his face into the pillow.  _Gotta get up and get out before Rae does_. He still wasn’t ready to face her. But he wasn’t ready to work, either. Finn just couldn’t handle the customers or any inane chat from Chop that day. He was definitely bunking off.

 _I need a full English and a spliff. No, spliff first. And it seems like a pub day._ Finn crept to the door, trainers in hand. First he needed to slip past Rae undetected.

“Rae.” Rae groaned. She hadn’t slept nearly long enough. “Rae, wake up,” urged a deep male voice.

_Finn. Stop nagging and climb in. We’ll sort the rest out later._

“RAE. Up, now. Is 11. Your mum wants you outside.”  _Just Karim_.  _It’s 11? God. And what does she want from me? She knows I hate manual labor. Finn had better not be out there mowing or something. So not in the mood for one of her tricks._

Rae stretched as she came out the back door. Her initial smile at Linda tending to her prized flowerbeds turned to shock when she heard the click of a lock behind her.

“What the hell?!”

“I told Karim to lock us out here for a bit, so I can have your undivided attention. We are having this chat, even though I know it won’t be easy.” Rae merely huffed in response, knowing when she’d been beaten.

“Well, go on then. Sit down. Give you a bit of a break today. Won’t make you help me. Tell me your side of what’s happened,” Linda said encouragingly.

Rae leaned back in her chair with a sigh. “Well, when he asked me, it was excitin’, but, like,  _weird_ , too. You know? Like he’d just come up with the idea and rushed right over. No plan or nothing.”

“Yeah, that was a mite obvious when I talked with him.”

“Mum?” Rae paused to steady her voice. “Does Finn hate me now? I mean, did he say?” Rae lowered her eyes, afraid of the answer.

“Rachel!” Linda’s shocked tone made Rae look up again. “Finn adores you. How do you not see that?” She paused. “You want the truth? I can tell Finn already loves you more than your father ever loved me, and I married that bastard.”

“Oh, Mum.” Rae rose to embrace Linda.

“No, Rae, it’s alright. That’s long done with. Helped me see what real love was. Eventually. But that’s my whole point. You have so much more going for you. More than I ever did at your age.” She sighed wistfully. “My chick, you’re smart, you’re loved, you’re  _tough_. You’re a survivor, Rae. Just think what else will come as you grow.”

“I’ve been trying to think, and it’s not working,” Rae said.

“It will.” Linda reached up to stroke Rae’s hair reassuringly. “It’s hard, but you know why it’s hard? Because you have to pick between two good choices. That’s a gift. Most people have two shit ones. Or none.”

Rae thought for a moment, allowing a tiny grin to peek out. “It’s a miracle. You’ve actually done it. You’ve helped,” she mocked.

“Oh, bug off,” Linda said with a grin. “Go knock for Karim. I think you’ve got a little more thinking to do, and some talking to get ready for.”

“I love you, Mum.”

“I love you too, chick.”

 _It’s not working._ Finn stared blearily at the pint in his hand. If the truth was found in booze, it sure was hiding from him.

“Mate, what are you doing here?” Finn cringed as he saw Chop striding towards him. “Thought you were at work.”

“I thought  _you_ were. Needed a bit of a personal.”

“Looks like it.” Chop winked as he settled into the booth. “It’s my day off. Which means  _you_ are in a heap o’ shit tomorrow.” Finn groaned in response.

“Rae not take to your little proposal, then?” Finn walked Chop through the whole humiliating mess.

“Sounds like Raemundo, alright. She’s definitely a ‘flight’ type, not fight. Maybe she’s just not ready.” Chop shrugged.

Finn couldn’t imagine Rae not wanting to be in his life. Well, he  _could_. Running away was a pretty good indicator. But he hated thinking they were so out of sync. Their jokes, music, ethics: all of it had flowed harmoniously along the same track for ages now. Since when was there a divergence up ahead? Why was he being asked to take it?

“I’m not trying to hold her back. I don’t mean to. I just…love her. I wanna stay together,” Finn said.

“Yeah, I get that, mate. I do. I’d die without Iz. Bet it’s not even about you, really. Our Raemundo’s always been pretty into holding herself back.”

Finn grimaced, but he knew it was true. Chop didn’t mean any harm. Finn had always thought he loved Rae because she was strong – he did. But he loved her all the time. When she was strong, when she was gently cooing over Jazz, the nervous tremble in her hands as he’d watched that bathrobe knot unravel in slow motion, her fiery temper in that same bathrobe the first time he’d come to her house (secretly he’d loved that most of all). If he had to love her through this stress and uncertainty, he would.

“Rae will get it all sorted, she always does,” Chop cut in. “The real question is when will you, mate?”

Finn puffed his lips out in a frustrated pout. “Maybe after this Foster’s you’re about to buy me,” he cracked, waving Chop off to the bar.

Later that evening, Rae’s heart was pounding.  _It’s time. I have to tell him, but where is he_? She pulled her headphones off. This was one moment music couldn’t get her through.

“Rae, go check on Jazz! She probably needs changing!” Linda shouted up the stairs. Rae froze in surprise when she opened the door and saw Finn had beat her to it. Studying him as he leaned over the crib, Rae swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

_He’s so good. Good to me, good to her. This is so hard._

“Hey,” she whispered in his ear. Finn answered with an uncertain smile.

 _“_ Want to come by and have a chat when you’re done there?” Finn just nodded.

He walked into her bedroom wiping damp hands against his jeans. “Your sister’s cute and all, but Christ, can she stink! Had to go scrub up.”

“Ugh, you’re telling me!” They laughed uneasily together. All of a sudden, Finn sprang forward, crushing Rae’s lips with his own. She could feel him moan as she pulled away, catching her lip with his teeth.

“Finn,” Rae whispered. “Why did you do that?”

He met her gaze with defiant eyes. “I know what you’re gonna say, Rae. I can feel it. We’re done. I just wanted…I don’t know…one last one.”

Rae cradled Finn’s face in her hands. “No. You’re wrong. I want to try to make it work.” She brushed his lips with hers. “I’m going to look into deferring at Peterborough. I didn’t want to go at first, but I was talking to Kester, and he showed me I don’t have to know everything right now. Maybe I’ll go. Maybe I won’t. One day I’ll know.”

Finn felt the stomach muscles he’d been clenching loosen in relief.  _Next time I see that beautiful bald bastard, I’m buying him a pint_. But he knew what was next.

“You don’t want to move in though, do ya.”

“No, Finn, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t feel right. But I love you. I mean it. More than Oasis.”

Finn grinned at her. “That means a lot. It’s alright, Rae. Cause honestly? I think I panicked. I just didn’t want to lose you, but I’m staying with my dad. If he ever speaks to me again. It’s not time for me either.”

Rae gave him the most glorious smile – and stared down at her hands.  _No. Goddamnit, no_.

“Finn, there’s more. When I was at Kester’s, he kept writing in my chart. As you do. And I got so irrationally mad. Fuck that chart. The sickest, ugliest parts of my life are in there, recorded forever. Kester helped me, my friends helped me, but the hospital? Day to day? It sucked. It’s ugly, and boring. So many rules. You can’t flourish there.”

Finn squeezed Rae’s hand. “But you are now.”

“I know. So I was about to leave, and I saw this.” Rae pulled a brochure out from under her pillow. “It’s a farm, kind of like a camp? It’s for troubled kids, and kids with psychiatric issues. Kids like me. They need volunteers and interns. Finn, I’m going to apply. I want to help. It seems so much better than a hospital, and sometimes..well, don’t ever tell my mum. But I wonder how different my life would’ve been if they’d known when I was younger. What’s done is done. I just wonder, is all.”

Finn’s eyes shone with pride. “Do it, Rae! You’d be so good! You can relate and all. Lemme see the pamphlet. Oh look. It looks cool! They’ve got horses. I’ll come visit, you can teach me how to ride. Only fair, since I taught you.”

“ _Finn_! I can’t let you around kids! So naughty.” Her laughter trailed off as she noticed Finn’s eyes narrowing as he studied the back of the pamphlet.

“Rae. This is four hours away. Were you gonna tell me? Or just keep talking bullshit about how committed you are to me?”

Rae took a deep breath, face beet red. “Well, I don’t know, Finn. Are you committed to me? Enough to hear me out when I say I do want to try? Enough to put some real work in for a while?  _Both_ of us by the way, not just you. I don’t mind cars, and trains, and postcards. I am committed. I want it to work, but I want this too.”

Finn stared at her for a long moment. Opened his mouth and closed it again. Slid his tongue around his teeth.  _Fuck it. Be real. You owe it to her_. He steeled himself, hoping he had the courage to be honest for once.


	7. Chapter 7

“Rae, I’ve been having these nightmares.” Finn looked at the floor, cheeks burning.

“I know you have. But I don’t get what that has to do with us being together.”

“Well – wait, you know?”

“Yeah, sometimes you kick or thrash around in your sleep. But I didn’t want to say anything.” Rae squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Why not? At least say something about the kicks! You just let me attack ya?” Finn chuckled in disbelief, breaking the tension.

“Nah, wasn’t that bad. Figured if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me.”

“Even though I’m not good with words? I wasn’t lying to you, Rae.” Finn’s gaze probed hers. “We’ve got a lot to work on, don’t we?”

“Yeah.” Rae’s voice was trembling and broken, as she fought to hold back her tears.

“But I want to try. I’m an adult. I can’t be scared forever.” Finn raked a hand through his hair as the words hung between them.

“You’re scared? Me too.” Rae sprang forward to wrap Finn in a hug, knowing they were in new territory. She hoped being together could get them through it.

“Guess we’d better come up with a plan, then,” Finn informed her with a sweet smile. “Seeing as we’re both bricking it.”

“Kester told me it’s ok to be scared. It’s what you do about it.”

“That guy’s got an idea for everything, doesn’t he?” Finn asked, shaking his head in amusement.

Rae nodded, giggling. “You might actually like him, Finn. I know he likes you, he asks about us together often enough. Says it’s to work on my communication skills, but I dunno. I think he’s just nosy.”

“Prob’ly would. Got some communication stuff to work on too, I guess.” Finn exhaled a long breath, nibbling his lip in distress.  _Come on. Man up. She hasn’t left yet. Fuck it._

“The dream..it started after my mum left. She’s leaving me, and I can’t get to her. I keep trying, and it never works. I know she’s never coming back, and I can’t do shite about it.”

“Oh, Finn.” Rae moved to close the space between them. “I know it hurts.”

“Yeah. It does. Hurt more when it started being about you.”

“What are you talking about? You have nightmares about me?!”

“Not all the time. Just lately. It’s not like you’re Rae the Bionic Woman, or Raezilla, or nothing.” He gave her a watery smile.

“Finn, it’s not funny. Tell me.”

“I wasn’t mad at you for leaving. Just.. _resigned_ , I guess. Like what else is new in my life?  And in the dream, you’re not even paying attention to me. Like I don’t matter. Rae, why don’t I matter to anybody?” And down came the last bit of fit boy, music snob, mysterious façade that made up Finn Nelson.

Rae stared at him in shock. “Finn, how can you say that? I love you. Your mates love you. Your dad loves you. Hell, I think even my mum loves you, in her own weird way.”

“So what,” Finn mumbled bitterly. “My mum loved me. Not anymore. I don’t even know where she  _lives_ , Rae. My gran loved me – she’s gone. Dad doesn’t even want me in the house. Archie’s my best mate, and I don’t know where he’s fucked off to. Haven’t seen him in weeks. And I love you, but I feel like shit, too. Cause I know I’m being selfish. I’m just a twat.”

“C’mre. Lay down with me.” Rae snuggled him close, caressing Finn’s back. “You’re not a twat. Ok, maybe we’re both twats, just a little. But not unfixable twats. We both let stuff fester, is all. Then we have freakouts. You’re right, we do need a plan.” They lay in silence for a bit, wrapped around each other.

“Ok. I’ve got my piece figured out,” Rae announced. “I’m going to keep going to Kester. I need to work on not running away from stuff. Mentally and actually. I’m going to group therapy again over the summer.”

“Sounds good,” Finn agreed.

“Good. Cause I want you to come too.”

“What? Rae -.” Finn stopped himself. She was right. She usually was. Not that he’d tell her. Well, maybe he would, one day, if therapy worked. Who knew?

Finn nodded. “Ok, but only if you’re there too. Maybe just you and me sometimes.”

“Deal. I’ll ask Kester.”

“Well, I’m making you do something too. You’re learning to drive. I’m teaching you.”

Rae cackled until he was afraid she’d roll off the bed. “Finn, are you serious! Should I call Kester now? Because that idea sounds suicidal.”

“Oh, shove off,” Finn snorted. “We’ll be fine. Someone taught Chop – how hard can it be? Besides, it’s the best way to keep our long distance thing going.”

“So you do want to try.” Rae beamed.

“Yeah. I’m proud of you, Rae. I love you. You’re worth putting the work in.”

“We both are. I love you too.”

* * *

If the summer of 96 had moved with a warped, drowsy pace, the summer of ’98 was its opposite in every way. Deferment had been approved in short order, as had Rae’s excellent A-level grades. As soon as Rae’s application disappeared into the postal slot, a whirlwind of events followed: looking for housing, volunteering at the local women’s and children’s shelter. Kester had told her it would be good for her CV, and strengthen her chances if she had to reapply for camp another time. Archie was off to Durham already, in a special academic summer program. He’d written her three emails already, and seemed genuinely happy. (Rae had tried to talk Archie out of professorhorn@yahoo.com, but he’d refused. Apparently it made for one hell of a pickup line. Uni was full of surprises.)

She’d recommended Finn to take over her position at Town, and Rob happily agreed. Finn took to it much better than he ever had to the mechanic shop. Rae visited him at least once a week. Only to check out the new releases, you understand.

Her driving lessons were going nicely since Finn stopped sweating nervously and looking ill (once he’d started rewarding her progress in the backseat afterwards, Rae began improving rapidly). They’d skipped the fuss of Leaver’s Ball to hit a Placebo show instead, where Rae drank so much, she had to be carried to bed.

But the biggest change was in Finn.  He’d started opening up in therapy, slowly at first. He and Rae had each needed their own box of tissue the day they’d talked about the caravan. Rae had never dreamed he’d felt just as unwanted as her, for different reasons. She was starting to realize they’d both felt unwanted for a long, long time. Rae and the most “perfect” lad in Lincolnshire had turned out to be more alike than she could’ve dreamed.

* * *

“Finn?” Rae rolled on her side as they lay in bed one particularly sweltering August night. “Do you think we’ll make it?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “But no one knows shit. They just act like they do.” He gazed up at the ceiling fan that was working overtime. “I mean, this could fall down and kill us.”

Rae shivered. “You’re so morbid.”

“Yeah, well, even though we don’t know, we gotta try, Rae.”

“You’re right.”

“Wha’? I’m what? Say it again!” Finn’s grin had never been wider as he straddled Rae and began tickling her sides.

“No, no, Finn. Please stop!”

“Alright, girl. God, where’s my tape recorder when I need it?” He gave her his famous beneath-the-eyelashes look.

“You are dead sexy, Finn Nelson.” Rae smirked. “But not sexy enough to escape revenge!” They began play wrestling in earnest.

“Rae, the baby’s sleeping! Cool it. And you’d better go clean out from behind that pig. I’m sick of looking at it,” Linda shouted.

Finn jumped up, throwing on Rae’s Technicolor Toothpaste Towel. “I’ll get it. Since I’m so smart and capable and right. To be continued?” Rae groaned and waved him away. He returned looking solemn. “Your camp letter’s here.”  

Rae nodded. “Same as last time? Well, minus the running away part.” Finn chuckled. “One..two..three.” She scanned the letter. “I’m in. Finn, they said  _yes.”_

“Good. I mean it. You deserve this.” He threw his leg over hers as they stared upwards together, smiles tugging at their faces, dreaming of their futures together. Just as they had all those months ago at Rutlands.

* * *

Before Rae knew it, September had arrived. It was time. The gang had thrown her an epic going-away party the day before, full of tears and drunken declarations, and razzing. She would miss them all terribly. She’d stolen away with Finn for their own goodbye of gentle kisses and fiercely whispered promises. He’d already planned to visit in two weeks, after she got settled. All that was left was last-minute packing and the ride to the station.

 _Urghh. There we go._ Rae sighed in satisfaction as her last bag finally zipped closed. Rae Earl didn’t do anything lightly, least of all packing. Suddenly, the phone rang.

Linda’s voice came crackling across the line. “Rae, I have to work a double today. I’m sorry. I can’t drive you.”

“But mum! I don’t know if I can have a car there yet. You know this!”

“Calm down, Rae. I warned you this might happen. It’s why we said our goodbyes yesterday, just in case. Don’t worry, I’ve got a driver coming to the house, alright? Stay calm. I’ll call tomorrow, love.”

Rae hung up the phone with a huff.  _Great._ She sank down into the sofa. There was nothing to do but wait.

“Hello! I heard you’re in need of some transportation!” A voice boomed through the house. Of course. She should have known. A sly smile greeted her at the door.

“Can I help you with your bags, Miss Earl?” Rae shook her head.

“Did you plot this with my mum, Finn?”

“Mmm, maybe.”

“You cheeky bastard.”

“That’s me! Come on, we don’t want to be late.” He lifted a bag. “Christ Rae. What’s in here – dead bodies?”

“There’s room for one more if you don’t stop being a dickhead.” They grinned at each other, simultaneously reaching for noses. The drive to the station was fairly uneventful, other than Finn playing “Spaceman” four times in a row, much to Rae’s chagrin.

Once everything was in order, Rae went to wrap her arms around Finn. “You ready to say goodbye?”

“No.” Finn stared at her intently. “I’ve got a better idea.”

“Finn, please don’t do this to me.”

“Shhh.” His grin wound around the finger held to his lips. “Let’s both get on the train.”

“What?!”

“Come on, sit down.” He draped his arm around her as they settled into seats. “See, I’ve been saying all summer we have to try, and we do. But I have to try too. I was having a bit of a whinge at the shop, and Rob told me about this broadcasting program he wanted to do til they made him manager at Tower.”

“Where is it?” Rae breathed in shock.

“Mmm, about 40 minutes from camp. Not far from my cousin. Figured I’d stay with him. It’s not much. More like a trade program. Nothing as fancy as uni. But it’s something. My dad’s happy. Turns out he’s glad to turn over some quid if it’s for something useful.” Finn shrugged, picking at his cuticles.

“Finn, I’m so happy.” Rae frowned. “But what about your car?”

“School doesn’t actually start for two weeks. Told you I’d see you then. Thought I’d just go see my cousin, take a look around. Couldn’t pass up surprisin’ ya.”

“You really are a cheeky bastard! The cheekiest!” The two of them burst into shared giggles.

Finn reached for Rae’s hand. “I’m not that cheeky. Honestly, I’m scared. When will it feel right? Like something’s happening? Something good.”

Rae laced her fingers tighter and squeezed. “I’ll tell you something somebody told me once. It already has. Everything starts right now.”

Nodding in satisfaction, Finn settled into Rae’s shoulder, twirling a lock of hair around his finger. He could deal with whatever was next in his life, as long as his life included her.


End file.
